Let’s Take This Journey Together: Concerning Child Rearing
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Hello ladies, and welcome to my blog! The year 2014 is behind us – which means it’s time to say goodbye to my Women of the Bible Series. I must say, as I wrote about each of those pivotal women, learning the way they thought, felt and realizing their experiences were not much different than our experiences today, I found myself connecting with each of them in a special way. I hope you learned from them as I did.
This year I am shifting focus again. As a teacher, my students know that one of my favorite sayings is, “Let’s take this journey together!” So, I decided to make this the title of my 2015 blog. This year, I will be answering questions that many of us have about this Christian journey, but may be afraid to ask. All questions are submitted anonymously, and I will answer your questions using Biblical principles and drawing from my personal experiences. So if you have a question or would like to comment, feel free to submit them – you just may see your question addressed and answered on my blog! I look forward to another year of sharing with you. Let’s Take This Journey Together!
Taking this journey together,
First Lady Vivian Pruitte
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QUESTION: When a child is grown, how much involvement should a parent have in their life, especially when they are married?
ANSWER: Being a parent is a lifelong job. We never stop parenting our children, even when they become adults. That being said, our parental role does need to evolve as our children grow and mature into adulthood.
When our children are young, they are very dependent upon us and we find ourselves having to guide and nurture them. As we parent them, however, we should be preparing them to become independent and able to make sound decisions. As they grow, we must trust that what we’ve instilled in them will help guide them through life’s pitfalls, peaks and valleys. The more we instill in them, the more they will have to draw upon when they are older.
One of the mistakes we make as parents is that we try to do everything for our children instead of teaching them how to make decisions for themselves – and in so doing, learn the consequences that go along with those decisions. When we don’t teach them this we rob them of becoming independent thinkers. Have you ever seen an adult that still relies on his or her parents to help them with menial tasks and minor decisions? I know of parents who still call their adult children to wake them up for work. If we don’t train our children, they will always call whenever they get into trouble because they never learn to be accountable nor learn the consequences of their decisions. The parent will always have to bail them out. I call them the “bail out kids.” Every family seems to have one or more. They may have been raised by the same set of parents, but while one child becomes independent, the other remains dependent.
When your children grow up and move out, your parenting style needs to change. You must work hard at making that dependent child independent. One way to do that is when they ask what they should do in a situation, you place the question back at their doorstep and ask what they think they should do. You can help guide them by talking through their options, but you should not make the decision for them. Some parents will use these as opportunities to keep their children dependent upon them, but you are really doing an injustice to this child because the day you are not around to give them “the answer”, they will always have to look to someone else for help. These are the children that, even after they marry, always call their parent to get answers instead of working problems out with their spouse.
If your child is married, you need to stay out of his or her marital affairs. If they want to use you as a sounding board that’s fine, but you need to reserve judgment. Always encourage them to discuss things with their spouse and never take sides. Unless your adult child is in danger, you should not interfere in their personal married lives. You can still give counsel and guidance, but it should never be anything that would be divisive to their marital relationship. Remember, the goal is to raise your children to be responsible adults – not keep them as dependent children!